The Monthly Retard Jamboree! #03

Today, Retard Jamboree will be a little different. Y'see, I am not the mega-genius I portray myself as. This blog is written (I hope) from a gaming layman's perspective, simply a way of getting my opinions out of my system in a... relaxed, and enjoyable way. Sometimes, however, I do say insanely idiotic things on this blog - from the main posts themselves, to the responses to reader comments. So, without further adieu, I throw shame to the wind and present to you the very first...

RETARD SELF-EVALUATION JAMBOREE!

"The use of the word "retard," to refer to people who are retarded, is a grossly offensive one. In all other contexts, I find it a socially acceptable, if a little neglegent, usage."

-Me

The term "god, what was I thinking," is an underused phrase indeed. When a very valid commenter noted that the use of the word "retard" in the title of "Retard Jamboree" was an awful use of a literary slur that marginalizes a very vulnerable population of humans, I was quick to talk him down, explaining that this day and age, language is bastardized continuously from its original interpretations - in this case, using "retard" not to refer to or even make mention of mentally handicapped, but just the idiotic things that spew out of some otherwise intelligent people's mouths (the word "retard" basically means "to slow down"). But for some reason I had to stick... that sentence at the end of it. The use of the word "retard," to refer to people who are retarded, is not offensive - unless it's derogatory. In all other contexts, it is grossly offensive. To save my arse though, this "Retard Jamboree" series is not about taking the words of retards, but the words themselves as being "retarded". Is it a pretty arbitrary distinction to make? ...yes. But my usage of the language is clear, even if my explanations for it are... painful.

"...amongst titles like Kinect Adventures, [Poker Night at the Inventory] shows more than enough signs of smart and clever thinking to know that this isn't just some flash-in-the-pan."

-Myself

What a dumb thing to say. I may love Telltale games, but even I should have seen it coming that Poker Night at the Inventory wouldn't last more than a month. In my original review, I called it "the best game this month." Now... I'll be honest, that was fucking dumb. From the view of someone like me, who doesn't know poker, the mechanics of play were but tassles on the handlebars. I even said that the gamer is just poker - you can't stuff that up, and when forming an opinion of the game to keep the poker out of it. How very wrong I was. Turns out the poker mechanics are, beyond shallow - they are broken. So many complains on the Telltale forums, hands not adding up in the sidepots, characters reactions not matching the environments, the poker itself at times buggy and glitchy. Is the game bad? No. It was the funniest game of the month, and I stand by 8/10 as an initial opinion (no game has ever improved with age, really). But "best game of the month"? A "must-buy"? No. That was stupid of me, and I just have to point it out.

"Congratulations Square Enix, you and all the Japanese, for maintaining the tradition that games are to be beat, not played."

-I

Oh dear. I said this in my Final Fantasy XIII boss "review" - mostly just a few paragraphs of incomprehensible rage - and I cannot stand by it any further. The Japanese make some of the greatest games in the world, and while many of their games are meant to be "beaten," the experience, and the journey of playing, very much eclipses the victories. I mean except in Final Fantasy XIII. About a year on from FFXIII, Square Enix has released Final Fantasy XIV - an MMO - a game that, according to critics, has brilliant graphics, poignant storylines, interesting locales... and shit-as-hell gameplay. Maybe the mechanics of play are excused here, because it's an MMO and not a tightly-wound narrative like in FFXIII, but if that don't sound like the sort of game to experienced and played, instead of simply beaten, then I don't know what is. It was wrong of me to dump Final Fantasy XIII in with the "rest of Japan," because I love Japan and its culture, and I hate Final Fantasy XIII. Sort of. Review on that one forthcoming (really!).

Well, I'm glad I got that out of my system. I do make a lot of mistakes and say a lot of stupid, stupid things, folks - so if you catch me out? Add a comment, or contact me however you contact people. Do try to keep anger out of it - I'm only human, a pitiful, scum-like human, and I in no way represent any authority. If I offend you, if I say something that's just wrong, or if a sentence just irks you - let me know about it, because it's the only way I'll learn. Thankyou for participating in this self-evaluation exercise and I choose not to take any of this information on board! MWAHAHAHA!