Saturday, August 28, 2010

I’m so enraged I can’t even think of a witty blog title

I think everyone at Square Enix wants me to kill them. Final Fantasy XIII started off slowly, but eventually I kind of slept my way through the first ten hours to find a surprisingly tactical core underneath. The training wheels came off to unveil that the “boring” first ten hours, were simply part of a delicately woven difficulty curve to break players into the new ATB system and whatnot. If ten hours of tripe is what it took to teach me the good stuff, so be it. “I have 30 hours left,” I assured myself. “Ten hours of bullshit at the start is acceptable, I guess.”

To be honest? I did actually genuinely enjoy the hours after this. It got really epic, really quickly. Mastering the Paradigm system became hugely enjoyable, and the game became a rollercoaster of plot twists and turns, the gameplay escalating from barely bearable to adequately enjoyable, and it seemed as if the game was going to be all well and good from now on. Getting to Chapter 9, and onboard the enemy’s ship, the excitement was teetering on a knife’s edge. Plot! Conspiracy! It was all so utterly gripping and immersive and then… Barthandelus.


*warning: this section will contain swears because HE WAS A FUCKING DICKHEAD OF A BOSS*

FUCKING STARTS OFF WITH FUCKING STUPID ATTACKS THAT DO NO DAMAGE, OH, TURNS OUT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO AIM FOR THE OTHER BITS YOU CAN’T SEE WITHOUT USING AN OBSCURELY HIDDEN COMMAND, OKAY THEN. And then that takes forever and everytime you kill one thing it gets more powerful, fucking cunt, and then HOLY FUCKING SHIT he has super moves up the wazoo that you can’t avoid unless you’re REALLY FUCKING LEVELLED UP and AUURGHHHAHAHRGAHRG!YGEY78326337&#&RTSAGH@BH1!!!!!!

...long story short, I spent four fucking hours trying to defeat this bitch. Four hours of my life. Wasted! The pacing of the game. Ruined! I beat him last night, no thanks to the internet and their so-called “guides”, and it was pretty satisfying, but I am obliged to kill everybody and Square Enix. (Figuratively, through a blog post.) It’s like they want me to hate them. Well, Square Enix, you succeeded. It’s a good think you bought out Atari and published gems like Just Cause 2 or I’d be really, really mad at you. Congratulations Square Enix, you and all the Japanese, for maintaining the tradition that games are to be beat, not played. I offer you a slow, sarcastic clap.

Andrew Deavin bought the Final Fantasy XIII Special Edition for $110, at the time the same price of the game. It comes with the soundtrack, some postcard-type.. things, and a small 50-page artbook. Only a few months later, he bought the Bioshock 2 Special Edition for $60, which came with a 250-page A4-sized art book, two soundtracks (one of which is a vinyl record), some collector's art prints, a very stylish box, and an actually good game. ZING!

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