Thursday, February 9, 2012

Joker Mulls Over Saints Row: The Third

Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Joker here! AHAAA AHEE AHOO HOO HA HA!!, what is this? Some kind of internet? Gah! What a waste of time, space, and resources. A waste of money! A waste of energy! A waste of life! ...I love it! Ahee, ahoo-hoo. I do love me a bad joke, ladies and germs. And this whole "internet" "blog" "scene"? Now that is a bad joke.

There's a videogame that came out recently that was advertised as being a hilarious crime simulator! So I beat to death my local Gamestop employee with a giant purple dildo and grabbed a truckload of copies for me and the boys. And, I have to say, if I didn't know any better, I'd say it was damn well fun! Possibly the most fun I've had sitting at a computer since I sent out all those spam emails pretending to be a foreign prince looking to get back an investment! Hell. It was the least I could do after I killed the guy. Ahaahaha!

It's beyond the point, though, ladies and gretchins! The game is called Saints Row: The Third, and the point is, of course, that Saints Row: The Third is an absolute blast! can trust me on that. I know a thing or two about blasts. Eheh. Ahoo. This game is one, though. It is a gloriously deranged game that truly lets out your inner - or outer, hmmm? - psychopath to an utterly insane degree. I'd know a thing about insanity, too. Actually, y'know what? Just assume I know exactly what I'm talking about from now on. Trust me, I'm a joker.

The best damn thing about this game is the way it lets honest, law-abiding citizens like myself role-play. I love to role-play! So, as I stepped into this game, I thought, why not role-play as someone I know better than anybody else in the whole wide world? Yes, my dear old friend... the Joker! Oh. That's me! Aho-ho-ha!! Some of you might argue it's a little egotistical of me to go into a game as myself, and those people are absolutely cor-wrong. ...well, okay! Maybe they are a little cor-right! It's just that, golly gee, if this game doesn't make it so easy to role-play as me!

Now, one of my boys is some kind of horrible, fat, sweaty, pimple-faced nerd. Every day when I see him, he shuffles nervously and avoids eye contact with me. So I give him a great big hug! "What's up, guy? You're looking a little down!" I'd say. ...he'd mumble a bit, and I'd punch him across the shoulder - lovingly! Lovingly, of course! - and he'd tell me something along the lines of, "oh, the state of videogames is really depressing today."

I usually just stare at him, slightly perplexed, before letting him go about his business, whatever it is. Hacking? Identity theft? Something depressing, no doubt. But since acquiring this Saints Row: The Third videogame, I've had to talk to him, to see what he means about videogames being "really depressing". I mean, playing through it, I'd argue quite the opposite! But, god bless the fella, he explained it to me really well! ...after I let him out of the headlock, anyway. Ahaha.

"Games," he said sagely, "are getting dumber. Ten years ago, games were smart. And they had some kind of depth to them, if not in their mechanics, but in varying aspects of their design. Now, everything is getting streamlined and things are getting removed out of sheer developer laziness. It's really depressing." ...I was confused.

"Y'know, sonny," I asked, "but this Saints Row: The Third thing is a hell of a lot of fun! Maybe that'll cure your blues, eh?"

"No!" he shouted. "That's even worse! That's a sequel to a much-loved game that removes a lot of the major features from its predecessor for no damn reason!"

I have to say, I admired the passion of the kid, even if he is an icky, boy-germ-ridden, pimple-covered dorkaramus. Ahoo. ...but after he explained it to me, I had to agree. Saints Row: The Third really makes it easy to role-play as a real joker! A deranged lunatic, hell-bent of causing anarchy and chaos! But Saints Row 2, he explained, let you choose from one of several personalities, from a hard-edged crime lord like my dear old fiend Mr Penguin, to a lavishly complicated serial murderer like my even more dear, even more old friend, Riddle-bones himself, E. Nigma. I can certainly see how someone could be disappointed with removal of such features. After all! There are many aspects of crime. Not just horribly murderous and deranged. We're not all jokers! ...much to my... chagrin...

...and playing Saints Row: The Third, I'm reluctant to admit that I did see perhaps this coming from the other side. My dear old player character - whom I created, and was modeled after yours truly rather well, if I do say so myself, which I do! - often said lines of dialog to his comrades that contradicted the nature of who I had intended him to be. The tools are here, perhaps, to create a one-size-fits-all protagonist, but it's a shame, then, that the size is only the one that has been chosen for us. My character kept mourning the loss of a dear old friend. ...that's nothing like me! I'm all for emotional disparity, but come on, guys. Could you keep it out of my hilarious crime simulator? ...this was made for me!! Or at least it would have been, if those scum-sucking developers hadn't cut so many corners with the character creation kit. It is really saddening! won't hear that sentence from me an awful lot, ladies and mentlegen.

I'm happy to report that it all amounts to very little of consequence in the long run. The game is painfully fun; a romp, I say. A romp! There are many opportunities to make your own fun in a truly demented world of titanic proportions. You can dress how you like, kill who you like. You can run things into other things! You can cause explosions. KA-BOOM! Aheheahaha!! ...and many, many other amazing things that really put a smile on my face. It is a shame, then, that so many corners seem to have been cut. They also seem to have taken out a few weapons, vehicles, and outfits so that they can re-sell them to us as "down" "loadable" content".

...well, that's a major bummer! I mean, really now. I can't shoot or kill anyone to get my grubby little - well, I say grubby. I mean smooth and well-manicured - hands on DLC!! It's a major let-down. Saints Row: The Third is a ton of fun, and I decree that you play it this instant or I'll kill you! ...but there are so many elements of the damn game that really make me do sads in my face. Saints Row: The Third is a lot of fun to hang around; but just like my dear old friend Bats (...we are! We are friends! We see each other every night, don't we. We're lovers! Ohh, Batsy, take me now! ...aha. Aheehoo. ...ahem), it can really be a major let-down at times. It's like I always say, though; nothing is so depressing that shooting pandas in the face won't turn that frown upside-down, and Saints Row: The Third sure does deliver on THAT front! "Murder time is fun time," it lauds. I agree! Ahaha! Ahehehe!! Hoo, hoo, ha-ha, hoo. ...see you next time, kiddies!